Every time I sit down to write these “year review” posts, I find myself trying to remember everything that happened in the past year. But, as much as I try, 2021 gives me the impression of having been a year when nothing happened.
Of course that’s not true; stuff happens every day (euphemism of the century). And even taking into account really meaningful things, those happened, too.
But having spent the whole year stuck at home really didn’t help my mental health. Being unemployed, neither. Not having been approved in the entrance exams was yet another really bad thing…
This thing of trying to get into College again as a way of finding some way to move on is a bit of a bizarre situation. On one hand, it’s the path I have to move forward, although there is a distinct possibility for other opportunities to reveal themselves. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel the “old guy” with a midlife crisis, trying to relive his youth by trying to be a freshman again.
That is not without reason. My first years in College were very meaningful. The reasons are countless and escape the scope of this post. It was a time of maturing, discovery and a lot of personal growth.
And personal growth was something I desperately needed, although I didn’t realize that back then. My tennager version was insufferable, I have to admit. I was pedantic, annoying and arrogant. But anyway, that’s not the point of this post.
The point is, I feel like I’m going through a midlife crisis. As much as I don’t like to admit, I feel at least a bit excited about going through the whole process of going through entrance exams and becoming a freshman again (although that’s a personal thing; for some people that can be very traumatic). But that’s not the reason I’m doing it, and to be honest it would be much better for me not being in the situation where that is the path to follow. Or, if it was the reason, I’d rather it not be out of necessity, but because I had my life made. But that’s another story.
Truth is, in the end, 2021 was a year when everything seemed to be on hold. It was kind of “the year that didn’t happen”. My life “stopped” in May/June 2020 and I have no idea when it’s going to resume.
I was arrogant with the entrance exams last year. I registered thinking about going into CS, to begin another career from scratch. I had some far-fetched involving Physics and other personal passions, but that didn’t happen. I was arrogant, underestimated the competition and wasn’t approved.
For 2021, I enrolled in a prep course. Took things seriously, watched classes and ran reviews… I really intended to get approved for the CS major for 2022. Then the time came to register for the exams… and Medical Physics was there. And there is no way around it: Physics is the little piece that fits my own personal puzzle. No matter how much I like computers.
So I registered for it. Close friends showed more excitement about it than CS; it helps motivate me.
I think that, for a whole year, it’s not much. And the year 2021 was quite depressing, especially considering the shitshow my country is these days. But something I’ve been ruminating a lot is how my opinions changed from a decade ago. I think I finally realized the truth of some things, and had the courage to admit others. Which is a positive thing, because I never stopped trying to better myself. But at the same time we start to realize that the future is dark. And that’s depressing.
Watching “Don’t Look Up” as the year came to a close didn’t help, either. The movie is a slap in the face, and it’s comical how reactions to it mirror the reactions that feature in the movie itself. Self-realizing prophecy, in a way.
But in 2021 I grew closer to certain people, thanks in part to how my opinions changed. Monthly lunches with my ex-advisor, a very fruitful dialog with someone I used to think was kind of annoying but whom I admire now… with ramifications that find their way into 2022, but that’s something for the next post.
In the end, 2021 feels like a Pyrrhic victory. It’s a net positive, but feels like a lost year.
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